Monday, June 19 2000: Monday Night Mutilation Card #9 - Match #1 Alena Carmine vs. Nadia Drozdova vs. Samantha Authour: Alexander Michael Quinn (LimousineDriver) [President] Match: Honey Dunking Bikini Jello match. Rules: Must be dunked in honey to lose. Titles: None. Commentators: Iaian McBride, James Colburn ____________________________________________________________________ McBride: Well, there's the intro music, and that means another bloody session of the HDW! Colburn: Yeah, man have we got a night for everyone! McBride: Yes, instead of starting so late like we usually do, tonight we run for a lot longer than usual so it's an hour longer! Colburn: Yeah, but the insanity in tonight will go down in the history books! McBride: What a night tonight, especially our first match. Colburn: No kidding, you're pratically drooling. What's so appealing about bikini-clad women fighting in jello and honey? McBride: Should I even dignify that with a response? Colburn: Well personally, I think it's sexually degrading. McBride: Aw, lighten up, the women know that, they're just doing it for fun! Colburn: What about Alena? McBride: Hey come on! No one would even think about her and risk the President's insanity! Colburn: Yeah, what's up with that guy? I find it hard to believe a drug could be so much trouble. McBride: Well, we've got everyone on their guard, hopefully will find a way to get the President off that stuff. Colburn: I don't know, he seems pretty mad on the stuff. He can't even feel pain when he's on that! McBride: Yeah, and now DAND is also on it?! Tonight is going to be insane! Colburn: Wow, why are they setting up a tropical backdrop and removing the ring? McBride: I guess they want a beach-like setting. Colburn: Whatever, on to the highlights from last time! McBride: Well, we only had two matches last week, but my God were they just crazy. I swear if this place gets any worse, I'm quitting. Colburn: Normally I'd bug you about being a wimp, but this time I have to agree. It's just getting too insane. McBride: Yeah, I mean during the first match, Chrono and Dark Angel were nearly killed in the cage because Alex reinforced it with electricity! Colburn: I don't know, I wasn't there, I ran. McBride: I wish I went with you, cause then Alex chopped off my finger! Thankfully, it's been reattached, but dude! Colburn: Ouch. Sounds like that match was all out insanity. McBride: Yeah, no kidding, the ring caught on fire and they were still fighting until the cage collapsed on them! Colburn: And they're still alive?! McBride: Well, thankfully, they were both really lucky and were only hospitalized in the OR for a few days. Colburn: Wow, the President really has lost it! McBride: Yeah, and during the skyscraper match against Shadow, DAND and SuperBeast failed and Samantha got thrown off the roof. Colburn: Thank God that Dark Angel was close by to save her. Too bad he brought along the LimousineDriver. McBride: Who then promptly killed Shadow! Colburn: The guy's starting to worry me. And if that weren't bad enough, then they both turned on DAND and SuperBeast! Virus should be thankful he wasn't involved! McBride: Well tonight, except the current match, everyone...EVERYONE is out for blood!!! Colburn: I guess tonight we settle all the debts. McBride: Well at least tonight we have a real audience. Colburn: Yeah, except they're all Chinese and only a handful understand us. McBride: Better than nothing, besides I'm surprised the President was able to get anyone at all. Colburn: Gee, kinda hard to spout refusal into the chamber of his pistol! McBride: Good point. Wow, look at that setup! Sand, blue backdrops, it's beautiful! Colburn: Strange, eighteen large buckets of honey. McBride: Well yeah, as soon as a contender is dunked in the honey, probably headfirst, they're out of the competition. Colburn: Yeah, but what about all that jello in the middle, it looks like a donut. McBride: Yeah, waisthigh jello surrounded by sand. I guess sand marks the edge of the "ring". Colburn: Man, I can't wait to see how crazy this match gets! McBride: Dude, I thought you were out for blood? Colburn: Aw come on, what man in his right mind turns down bikini-clad women knee-deep in jello? McBride: Funny, is there an echo in here? Colburn: Hey, at least I'm not gonna be centerstage tonight. McBride: Please...don't remind me of that. Colburn: Okay, normally I'd run this into the ground, but a fight with Dark Angel.... Man, good luck. McBride: God, I hope so! (The Havoc Viewscreen flickers on and Gothic is sitting on a plane, with a camera set-up in the aisle. We see Quinn sitting beside him looking out the window. We hear, "We are now preparing to land..." from the pilot.) Gothic: Hello everyone. As you can see, we are just getting back from our excursion to China. We still have some government issues to sort out, but I believe that tonight should turn out alright. Although I can only wonder if the audience understands what's going on. Quinn: Hey Goth, don't forget. Violence is the universal language (grins evilly). Gothic: At any rate, we start off with a pathetic match idea which can only be saved by lots of female skin. Unfortunately, I could not put a stop to this crazy match because of my trip to China. Quinn: Aw, lighten up Gothic, we need the audience to co-operate before they see us. Gothic: I suppose. Quinn: Man, this drug is already starting to cool it's heels on me again? Oh well, I'll just drink some more when we get back. Gothic: Don't you think you're going a little to far with that drug? Quinn: Why? Gothic: It creates unfair, dishonorable competition. Quinn: Aww, who cares? I know I don't. Gothic: You should consider yourself lucky that I know that you are not yourself right now. Or you would be dead. Quinn: Come on, just hurry up with the announcer! sheesh. Gothic: Fine. The first contender is the wife of my friend here... remember that when you fantasize about her...Alena Carmine! (Right on cue, spotlights hit the ramp and we see Alena walk down wearing a red silk bikini. No music is heard, and no entrance is done. She just walks up next to the backdrop and stands there, with her hands behind her back, jutting out her breasts. Apparently, she's stretching.) Gothic: Hmmm. Perhaps this match was not such a bad idea after all. Quinn: I know, isn't it...hey, that's my girl! Gothic: Yes, and I was commenting on how lovely she looks. Quinn: Let me do that. Gothic: How can you, she moved out to get away from you. Quinn: She's lucky I don't know where she's hiding. Gothic: Why, at McBride's place. (We see McBride behind the table.) McBride: Uh oh. Quinn: Really? Is that so? Interesting...(he smiles and goes back to the window). Gothic: The next contender is our German Goddess, Nadia! (Again no music or entrance is done, however she walks out wearing a black two-piece and lines up next to Alena. They both exchange some words and start giggling.) Gothic: Women...next we have the sister of a lunatic: Samantha! (Samantha walks out wearing a red and blue piece. She also lines up next to the other two.) Gothic: Excellent, you may begin when you wish. (The Havoc Viewscreen flickers off.) McBride: Oh man, I got a bad feeling about Alex now. Colburn: Shush, turn on the wrestler's mikes. McBride: Oh right, we started to mike the wrestlers to make it a little more involved! Colburn: Hope they don't get broken too easily. (The women form a triangle, each being on different sides of the circle. The bell rings and they all get into the jello. Covered in green jello, they begin to advance on eachother. Suddenly, Alena stops and dips her finger in the jello. She then eats a bit of it and smiles.) Alena: Hey! I think this stuff is lime! Nadia: I dunno, let me try! (She dips her finger in.) Nadia: Hey, this stuff's pretty good! Samantha: What, lemme see...Wow, it is good! (They start to eat some more of the jello.) McBride: Uh...what happened to the match? Colburn: (shrugs) I don't know. Good thing we can set this thing two-way. McBride: Hey, uh, girls what are you doing? (Down at the ring they all look up and then look at McBride.) Nadia: Oh right! The mikes! Alena: Sorry Iaian, but this stuff is pretty good. McBride: I'll be sure to note that, now can you please get on with it. Samantha: Oh right, the match! (The three women stop what they're doing and look up at eachother. Nadia tackles Samantha, sending them both into the sand behind the jello. Now covered in green jello and sand, they start to stick a bit. Samantha drives her feet into Nadia's chest, knocking her back into the jello. She stands up in the waist-high jello and looks around...Alena's gone.) Samantha: (Stands up) Hey, where'd Carmine go? (Suddenly Samantha gets pulled down into the jello before she can say anything. Nadia jumps into the jello and we hear a lot of smooshing and scratching. Alena stands up out of the jello and then starts to laugh.) Alena: Haha...hey! haha, that tickles! (She jumps out of the jello onto the sand while Nadia and Samantha emerge from the jello. Nadia grabs Samantha by the neck and does a spinning neckbreaker across the border between sand and jello. Alena picks up one of the buckets and throws it at Nadia. Nadia screams and jumps out of the way before she gets hit. Samantha gets up only to be knocked down by an incoming bucket.) Alena: Aw shucks, I missed! Nadia: (laughs) This is fun! Alena: Yeah really, screw wrestling! Samantha: (holding her head) Ow...who did that?! Alena: (waves at her) Hello! Come and get me! (Samantha runs after her and Alena runs into the jello, but trips into the jello.) Samantha: Where'd she go? (Alena pokes her head up out of the jello.) Alena: I KNEW this was going to happen, damnit! Nadia: What's the problem Alena? Alena: Look, can you just keep me out of this for awhile. Nadia: Okay. (She obliges by spearing Nadia and knocking over a bucket of honey. Meanwhile, Alena dives back down under the jello. Back at the table, McBride and Colburn are just wondering what the heck is going on. While Nadia and Samantha are parrying eachother, they just see Alena disappear into the jello again.) McBride: Alena, what's the problem? Alena: I lost it. Colburn: Lost what? Alena: Ah ha! There it is! (Alena struggles a bit and falls backward into the jello. She pokes her head up again.) Alena: Can you two give me a hand? (They both stop beating the sh*t out of eachother and look at her.) Nadia: What's wrong? Alena: I need to put my swimsuit back on! Samantha: Oh, the jello must have loosened it. Alena: I don't care, I can't fight without it! Nadia: Ok, just a second... (They both jump in and help Alena put on her swimsuit while they slip and slide in the jello.) (Back to the announcer's table. They are both just sitting there with their jaws hanging open.) McBride: Uh.... Colburn: Yeah... McBride: Dude...this kicks ass! Colburn: Shhh, too busy oggling. (The three women look up at the announcers in anger.) McBride: Uh oh, I left the two-way on. (They all look at eachother and smile. They all pick up buckets and hurl them at Colburn and McBride.) Colburn: Eek! RUN! (They both duck out and run away. The table gets covered in honey.) Alena: Uh oh, we don't have announcers anymore. Nadia: Who cares? We got mikes! (Samantha gets both Alena and Nadia by the shoulders and pulls them back into the jello. They fall in surprise. Samantha picks up a bucket and raises it over her head, but Alena rolls out of the jello onto the sand and manages to hold the bucket up so that Samantha can't dump it. Samantha then kicks Alena in the leg and the honey pours all over Alena.) Alena: EEK! It's cold! (Alena falls over on top of Samantha and they both get stuck in sand and honey...and jello.) Nadia: Hey, what's up you two? Samantha: Ack! Get her off me! Alena: I can't, I'm stuck to your hair! Samantha: Ack! (Samantha and Alena are now practically glued together by the sand in honey. Alena tries to get off Samantha, but can't.) Nadia: Haha! Now I got both of you! (Samantha and Alena fall into the pit of jello, trying to get unstuck. Nadia picks up a bucket and hurls it at them. Alena flips over Samantha and then causes her to duck; the bucket misses by only a few inches.) Samantha: How can I fight with her attached to me! Alena: Just hold still! I'm almost free! (Alena is trying to pull herself off Samantha while Nadia keeps throwing buckets at them and laughing. Finally, with the last bucket, Nadia picks it up and jumps onto Alena and Samantha who are now rolling around in the well-kneaded jello.) Samantha: Ack! It really is cold! Alena: Told you so! Nadia: Ha ha! I win! EEK! Now I'm stuck to Alena! Alena: Oh no! (The two announcers come back.) McBride: Is it safe yet? Colburn: Gee, looks like it. McBride: What the hell are they doing? (Back to the women) Alena: HELP! (Table) McBride: What the...? Are they stuck to eachother? Colburn: Yeah, I guess so. Who won? All Three Together: NADIA! GET US OUT OF THIS MESS! McBride: Relax, just find some soap and water. (The three women manage to get out of the pit and up the ramp. The audience is laughing hysterically at the embarrassed women. Alena is stuck to Samantha's hair and feet, Nadia is stuck to Alena's back and Samantha's hair as well. They try as best as they can to "walk" out of the arena.) Colburn: I think they're gonna go take a bath. McBride: (Sighs) Yeah. Colburn: You're sick you know that? McBride: What? Can't a dying man have a good last thought in his head? Colburn: Let me guess, as Dark Angel is smashing your skull into the floor, you're gonna be thinking about those three taking a bath aren't you? McBride: What man wouldn't! Colburn: Good point. Well, at least we entertained the Chinese audience. McBride: Yeah. Wow, that match certainly was...different. Colburn: Just wait till you see what's coming up next on the HDW! You won't be disappointed! McBride: Yeah, let's take a break and wait for Gothic and Alex to get back to the HDW Office.