Wednesday, June 7th 2000: Death From Above (Pay-Per-View) Card #7 - Match #1 Alena Carmine Vs. Nadia Drozdova Authour: Alexander Michael Quinn (LimousineDriver) [President] Match: Chinese Training Match. Rules: Must fall off bowls to lose. Titles: None. Commentators: Iaian McBride, James Colburn ______________________________________________________________________ Colburn: Woohoo! Finally we're back in action! McBride: Gee, usually I'm the one that's all happy. Colburn: Yeah, let's shed some blood NOW! YEAH! McBride: Dude, what the Hell are you on? Colburn: Are you kidding? We're having just one match, a total f*cking free-for-all! That's awesome! McBride: Yeah sure, but it's two matches. Colburn: Oh right, first we are going to test out the Pres' new idea for a match. McBride: Yeah, sounds like it's really tough, however I have faith in Alena. Colburn: Woah, first name basis already? (snicker) McBride: Shut up, it's not like that! I just happen to know Mr and Mrs. Quinn very well. Colburn: Dude, you have to call her Ms. Carmine on the show. McBride: Dude, only I say that! Colburn: What, I'm not letting you have all the fun with your slang. McBride: Dude, whatever. Anyway, yeah, I know them fairly well now. Hell, we had dinner before we came over tonight. Colburn: Oh yeah, how's our Pres doing from last match? McBride: I'll cover it in the highlights dude. Anyway, yeah, we had three interesting matches last Monday. Colburn: Yawn, you must be kidding? They were good, but not as good as I'd expect from this fed. McBride: DUDE! In the Junkyard match, DAND received a Collapsed Lung in his *broken* ribs! Then he picked up Monoxide Child with a f*cking Magnet and swung him around the junkyard! They're still trying to dig the poor sucker out! Colburn: Oh yeah. Also I guess the puncturing of the kidneys between Dark Angel of Death and the Pres was cool, although what exactly is up with the Pres? McBride: Dude, I don't know, he has this ancient Chinese master living on his property. Apparently Alex--er, Mr. Quinn has been paying the guy to fix him up with all those weird Chinese remedies. Colburn: Cool, how goes it so far? McBride: Well, the LimousineDriver is well known for fast recoveries, but goddamn. The guy is almost completely in full condition even from the hellraising matches he's had over the last month, the guy should get a f*cking medal or something. I mean, dude, the guy is nuts. Although I wonder why he healed so quickly... Colburn: Dude, didn't he puncture a kidney or something? McBride: Goddamnit James, quit it. Colburn: What? (snicker) McBride: Dude, you are really starting to piss me off. Colburn: Come on, what happened to LD? McBride: Well, he doesn't have a left kidney, so the sword didn't puncture anything. Colburn: Weird, why is he missing it. McBride: I dunno, I never asked him. Colburn: Hmmm...Ack! We're losing time, what's the next highlight? McBride: Well, as we all know C-Man totally sucks the big d*ck, but goddamn. Colburn: Yeah, what a waste of time that match was. McBride: Well, dude, I don't know. Those black guys were pretty scary. Colburn: Yeah, what the hell is up with that? I mean, f*ck, first our Pres is hounded, now it's DAND. McBride: Man, interference from everyone on that match. Well, I guess they don't do anything simple in this fed. Colburn: Which brings us to our current match. McBride: No kidding, goddamn, this sounds complex, even though it isn't. Colburn: Okay chummy-chummy with Pres, or should I just call you suck-up, what are the teacups for? McBride: A$$hole. They lay 100 clay bowls of all shapes and sizes on the floor, notice how the ring is missing. Colburn: Yeah, they're laying it all down now, why? McBride: Well, the two women have to start atop the bowls and basically try to knock the other person off the bowls. Thing is, the bowls are really strong and there are many, so a few bowls we'll have to be busted first before anyone gets anyone on the ground. Colburn: Holy sh*t, wall to wall bowls and imagine being slammed into the bowls? I'd like to see the guys make a match like this work. McBride: Yeah, man, is it ever gonna hurt. Glad that both are in perfect condition. Colburn: Really? McBride: Yeah, Alena is as healthy as ever, and Nadia is doing fine; goddamn just look at that woman in bed. Colburn: Trust me, I would. McBride: And you accuse ME of watching intently?! Colburn: Oh shut up and grow up. Man, aren't you old enough for hormones yet? McBride: I'm 25!!! Colburn: Late bloomer? (laughs) (The Havoc Viewscreen flickers on and we see the LimousineDriver dressed up in a white silk Kung-Fu outfit with a black bandana and black gloves. He takes off his glasses and sees the audience [two-way camera].) Quinn: Oh, hey everyone! Yeah, I'm back in full condition, so guess who the announcer is now? Audience: Murmurs. Quinn: Sigh, forget it. Anyway, yeah, what's on the schedule tonight? Um...K. (LD pulls a sheet up from out of a briefcase on a nearby desk. In the background we can see a class of students meditating.) Quinn: Ok, first we have--Hey! Go Alena! I mean, first we have my own creation as a match, which will probably end up being pathetic. First we have the lovely lady in red, Alena Carmine! ("Falling Away From Me" begins to play, and Carmine walks out wearing a long dark red robe. The top of the ramp is lit on fire and she walks through it, allowing her robe to burn off. As she walks down the ramp, archways of blood flow overtop of her.) Quinn: Yeah...that entrance is starting to worry me, I can't sleep at nights. Not that I get much sleep when I'm with Alena anyway, but I'll shut up before she kills me (snicker). Her opponent is equally as stunning; please welcome Nadia Drozdova back to the HDW in perfect health! ("Alter Mann" begins to play on the speakers; Nadia walks out to the ring and blows a kiss to the audience before shaking Carmine's hand.) Quinn: All right, simple rules: First one to touch the ground loses, so you best get on top the bowls now. I'll see if I can't get to the ring before the match is over. (Quinn turns back around and dismisses his class. The viewscreen flickers off.) McBride: Well, nice to finally get started. Man, this one took a long time to set up. Colburn: There's the bell! All right, let's see what'll happen... (Carmine strafes across the bowls, moving across each one to get the feel of her battleground. Her opponent Nadia is doing the same, just getting a feel for the ground before battle.) Colburn: Aw come on! Let's see some action here! This isn't dancing, it's wrestling! McBride: I'm not complaining. Colburn: Yeah, I know that, as long as the women are up there, you're happy. McBride: Haha, besides how much wrestling do you expect, huh? They're fighting on bowls, there won't be any wrestling at all probably. Colburn: Woah, look out! (Alena jumps and spears Nadia, doing a forward flip at the same time to land Nadia in a brainbuster, however Nadia manages to catch herself on two separate bowls and reverse the move by scissor-kicking Alena across the head, knocking Carmine spinning frantically across the bowls. However, Carmine is moving her hands and feet fast enough to keep right on rolling flat, and does a backflip to land on the last bowls.) McBride: Gawk! Colburn: No sh*t! That's gotta go down in the history books, holy f*ck! This is great! McBride: See, what'd I tell you? No wrestling. Colburn: Goddamn, this is great! (Nadia does a high jump towards Alena to knock her off the remaining bowls, but Alena does something really strange. She backflips and lands against the cage set up around the ring, jumps off and dropkicks Nadia while they are still both in the air. Nadia comes down hard, but manages to grab Carmine's leg before the end and land on Alena's ankle, smashing right through 8 bowls. Fortunately for both of them, they both jump off eachother and land on opposite sides of the rings. There is now a large gaping hole in the center, turning the ring into a donut.) McBride: Chr*st! The action is so fast, I can't even comment on it! This is nuts! Colburn: Yeah, it's only been a few minutes and they are running out of room quickly already. McBride: Funny, they aren't attacking eachother anymore. Colburn: Are you kidding? Alena probably twisted her ankle from that last move, and she has already done two numbers on Nadia's neck, which was screwed up last time they met! What the hell do you expect?! McBride: Hey, you're the one that complains about bloodless matches! (Meanwhile, Alena and Nadia are strafing along the donut, watching eachother. Suddenly, Nadia makes a move by jumping up on the cage and running along the side on all fours, climbing the wall literally. Alena, surprised by this move, jumps out of the way, and lands on the other side of the donut. Nadia jumps and twists off, landing on the opposite side, smashing a number of bowls along the way.) McBride: Hey! She smashed those bowls on purpose! Colburn: Of course, then Carmine has less room to run and dodge; she can't climb the wall as well as Nadia. (Nadia and Alena both go at eachother at the same time, however each punch delivered by Alena is blocked, and Nadia gets in a low blow, sending Carmine to her knees. Nadia attempts a double axhandle, but Carmine slips through her legs quickly [remember the bowls people] and comes around to put Nadia in a hold.) Colburn: Hmm, no blood so far...I'm getting bored. McBride: Dude, are you kidding? Look at those moves! Done on clay bowls no less, let's see any other wrestler do that kind of agile sh*t! Colburn: Dude, calm down. McBride: Man, you are really starting to piss me off! Colburn: (snicker) (Nadia manages to break the hold around her neck, but Carmine roundhouses her in the ribs, sending Nadia spinning across the bowls. They are both on opposite sides now, and they both cough up blood simultaneously.) McBride: Man, a lot of bowls have been destroyed...there's probably only a dozen or so left down there. Colburn: Yeah, and they're really spread out too, the both of them are stuck on one, having no other bowls close enough to stand with their feet wide apart. McBride: At least we got some blood, happy? Colburn: Oh yeah (slurps). McBride: Okay, you need a shrink. (Alena Carmine and Nadia Drozdova go at eachother again, but Nadia manages to spear Alena against the cage, face first. Nadia elbowdrops Carmine in the back and then puts her in a hold. However, Carmine runs her legs up the side of the cage to flip around Nadia and deliver an Ultimate Neckgrip into the cage!) Colburn: Holy sh*t! Is Nadia okay?! McBride: I dunno, Carmine has jumped to the other side of the ring, where the most bowls remain. Colburn: Nadia was lucky to land on the bowls, or perhaps she is just that good to stay on even during that sort of pain. McBride: Well, now what? There's only a few bowls left. Colburn: That's what. (Alena and Nadia jump at eachother to deliver a sidekick. Unfortunately, they BOTH got through. After hitting eachother hard in the stomach, the come crashing down in the middle of the ring.) McBride: Dude, what the Hell?! Colburn: They BOTH fell off!!! McBride: Wait, let's put the Ref's mike on and see what the declaration is. Colburn: Dude, we have two-way with the Ref's now. McBride: Yeah they just got them installed. Colburn: Oh. McBride: By the way, one more crack like that and I kill you. Colburn: Pshaw. McBride: Okay, we got them miked, let's see what's going on. (We hear the microphone feedback and then the sound of laughter.) Carmine: (laughs) Oh my God! I can't believe I just did that! Drozdova: Me neither, talk about a pathetic mistake! (Starts laughing really hard and coughing up more blood). Carmine: He, that was pretty funny! (laughs again) I just CANNOT believe we did that! Drozdova: Oops? (Both of them start laughing really hard and take off together up the ramp.) McBride: Wait, that doesn't explain anything...who won? Colburn: I dunno, but that was pretty funny now that I think of it. McBride: Dude, who won? Colburn: Dude, I don't know! McBride: Okay, that's it... (McBride lunges at Colburn and smashes the table into pieces. The LimousineDriver takes over the microphone.) Quinn: Okay folks, well I just got back and I guess my match idea DIDN'T turn out that well, but at least we tested it to make sure. Anyway, I don't think anyone won that match...WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP BEFORE I DECAPITATE YOU BOTH?! Colburn: Eep. McBride: Scream. Quinn: Thank you. Anyway, I'll see everyone in the next match hopefully. Let's see...hmmm, I can't remember who's in it, I just know I am. Well, bye!